iWant Article - Just say no!
I have been asked in the past if it is ok to say no to a dance and am personally always asking myself the same question: When is it OK to say no? Across the board it seems that social dancing etiquette frowns on a person declining to dance but I think what is sometimes lost is the underlying reason for this. When I started dancing salsa one of the things I loved the most was that people of all ages and walks of life danced together whether they knew each other or not. I still think this is a wonderful aspect of salsa; that people get together because of a shared love of the music and dancing and not necessarily anything else and I think the openness to dance with anyone who asks really underlies this culture.
However, there are perfectly legitimate reasons for saying no and these are often the same as those for saying yes: dancing should be fun. Everyone at a social salsa event is there to enjoy him or herself so no one should ever feel they have to put themselves in an awkward position just to be polite. There are the normal reasons for opting out of a dance: if you are tired and sitting a dance out then fair enough, but obviously it could be seen as a personal slight if you were then to accept a dance with someone else. Likewise, getting a drink, going to the ladies/gents, just about to leave, still recovering from the last multiple-fake-ending monster song are all good legitimate reasons for saying no and you should never feel guilty for using them but better to use them honestly.
Another reason not often written about for saying no is that you have had bad dances with that person before. If they make you feel uncomfortable or have actually physically hurt you before then you are certainly within your rights to say no. No one should be forced to spend 5 minutes in close physical proximity to someone who makes them nervous, whose intentions are a concern or who is likely to do permanent damage. Having said that, if someone has or is hurting you I would suggest you tell him/her. Chances are you're not the only one and it may be the bit of advice that makes all the difference to their dancing.
This next suggestion is far from ideal but if you simply don't want to dance with someone but have no idea how to decline, not being available to ask is a sneaky but sometimes less politically awkward way of avoiding a dance than saying no. I have been known to go to the ladies when I definitely didn't need to. Also asking someone else to dance first works a treat, preferably without the undesirable actually twigging to what you are up to.
Another question is how do you say no to a second dance when you're already on the dance floor? Honestly I think the English in particular have a real problem here. We're all WAY too polite. How do you disentangle yourself when someone already has you by the hand and is basicing away in front of you, complete with expectant smile? It's hard to tackle, particularly if you don't see it coming. Saying a very clear thank you and using definite, 'I'm leaving the dance floor now' body language is the first step.
If the person in question often insists on a number of dances it might be worth asking if they've experience in any other partner dances. In Cambridge at least, when asked to dance at a Tango Milonga you have in fact been asked to dance for the next three songs!!! I discovered this at my first Tango social after being so rude as to say thank you and walk away from my partner after only one dance!!! God forbid! But in salsa it is far more polite and usual to limit the dancing to one dance at a time. It could be your partner doesn't realise this. You might actually help him/her by mentioning it.
A note to the one asking: remember that your partner may be being polite and in salsa people normally only dance once with each partner so be sure that he/she really is happy to dance a second (or third?) time or better still, just ask again later.
One last aspect of the same question is how do you say no to moves you don't like or to the closer holds when you are not comfortable. Guys, you are the one in control of which hold to adopt and which move to attempt so a great onus is on you to recognise when the lady is not advanced enough for the move or not comfortable with proximity. If she is just learning, particularly British or has a jealous boyfriend she may not want to get that close. Be sensitive to pressure you might feel from her, particularly in the thumb to shoulder area. Speaking as a follower it is sometimes astonishing how much pressure you can apply to a man's shoulder without him getting the hint!! Alternatively, just tell them.
Having ranted for a whole eight paragraphs on ways and reasons to say no! I feel I should repeat the opening sentiment that a wonderful aspect of salsa is the fact that most people will say yes to a dance regardless of ability (yours or theirs). All beginners should feel free to ask anyone to dance. Warn them of your fledgling status if you like but don't worry about boring a more experienced dancer. They remember what learning is like and if they're anything like me they probably have a bit of a goldfish memory and will appreciate a few well-led simple moves. The success of a dance often has more to do with the fun you have than the number of impressive moves or stunning styling you achieve. To the lady beginners I'd say you'd be surprised at how many guys actually like to dance with newer dancers, and to be honest it's easier for us. They have to do all the thinking ? :D
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